Self Mummification for Dummies

Here is my 5 step process (patent pending) for dummies wanting to self-mummify.

1. Eat only seeds and nuts for 1000 days while doing some serious physical work. This will bring your body fat down to extremely low values. Body fat, as all dummies know, decomposes easily. Removing fat helps preserve the body after you are dead.

2. For the next 1000 days eat only the bark and roots of pine trees. This decreases the moisture content in the body – and makes you look like a living skeleton.

3. Towards the end of your “bark & root” eating period start drinking tea made from the leaves of the Urushi plant. This poisonous tea will make you vomit, sweat & urinate – drastically decreasing the water stored in your body. The lesser the moisture, the better the ultimate mummification. More importantly, bacteria and maggots don’t like the poison building up in your tissues. That helps with preventing decomposition.

4. Finally, brick yourself into a completely enclosed tiny space just large enough for you to sit in, with only a small air pipe running through it. Keep a small bell handy. Have your best friend listen for the bell everyday.  Once the bell stops ringing (i.e you are dead), he should remove the air pipe and seal you in.

5. Your friend should open the tomb after 1000 days and if you followed all the instructions correctly – then viola — you should look something like ..

(psst: ok, I lied. This idea has already been patented – by the Shingon Buddhists from Japan)